to be thankful.

With everything going on in my life lately, I seem to have set aside my dreams and goals. I set everything aside, and to what .. be miserable? I seem to shut down on some level when things start to get hard. I start to feel like I don't deserve the good things that are happening to me. And things become a mess from there. 

Try to follow me for a second, I promise it all relates. I was looking back at the past year of my life. It has been the most ridiculous adventure of my life. I traveled for 2.5 months overseas, I received straight A's during my most challenging semester, I graduated an entire semester early, I learned to drive, and I made unforgettable memories with incredible friends. I have had a hard time accepting that I deserve these good things in my life, and I tend to dwell on all the things that went wrong.  

So, as I was running last night and pondering all of this, it hit me - where is my gratitude? my faith? my thankful heart? I keep allowing myself to fall into this rut of being miserable, when all I need is a new perspective on this life. Yes, things are hard and no, things probably won't become easy for a while. But why should things become easy? What entitles me to a luxurious and easy life? Absolutely nothing. And I am quite okay with that. 

Running last night reminded me that absolutely everything that I have been given in this life is undeserved. There have been so many times in the past few weeks where all I seem to do is complain. And that is not okay. I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, food in the kitchen, people that love me, and unlimited resources to do whatever I want with my future and education. Next time I think of complaining, I need to remember how blessed I am and that things could always be worse. 

doors open, doors close.

I haven't written lately because I haven't really had the words. There has been so much going on in my life and I don't even know where to begin. One of the biggest lessons I've been learning is that when one door closes, another one opens. In the past few weeks, it feels like a heck of a lot of doors have closed. Only within the past two or three weeks have certain doors begun to open. I'm having a hard time seeing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel .. 

growing up.

i took a week off from social media. i always thought people who did that were silly, but now i get it. every once in a while, you need a break. so, i took a break. and there have been a lot of stressors lately. a lot of thinking and making decisions about jobs, graduate school, and relationships. none of it has been easy. and then i realized, life is never easy .. and when life becomes easy and i loose my passion, i need to re-evaluate everything. so that's what i've been doing, re-evaluating. 

as much as i was ready to jump into the adult world, i'm realizing that it can suck sometimes. there are so many more expectations and a lot more times when you have to suck it up and smile your way through, even if all you want to do is break down and cry. although it's been hard, i am really grateful for the past few months in the real world. i've learned so much, it's unreal. 

on a brighter note, i got into graduate school today. i'll be starting in may. i'm taking on the challenge of doing it in one year, which means my insomnia will come in handy. and i'm gonna get a babysitting job for when i'm not in school or studying. and when i start school, because of commuting, i'll have to get up at 5am every day. so long young, wild & free and helllllllo, real world.

beautiful things.

Lately, life has been rough. Things have not come through like I thought, but I find myself sitting here with overwhelming joy. I don't know what my next step in life is and for the first time, I'm completely content with it. The Lord has been teaching me what it looks like to be patient and content in ALL things. And that sometimes, faith and happiness require action. 

The weather has blessed my heart, a lot. I hate the outdoors and bugs but I love the sunshine and warmth. There's something about this weather that puts joy and kindness in people's hearts. As I was walking, I ran into a little boy. He was in his driveway washing his little sister's barbie jeep. I thought it was the most precious thing. As I walked by about 15 minutes later, I saw the little sister giving the boy a huge hug. The smile on her face showed the joy coming straight from her heart. I turned around a few seconds later to find them both sitting in the barbie jeep, driving away in the sunset. And all I could think was how I wanted that kind of joy. The kind where you don't have to fake it or try for it, it just flows naturally.

But seriously, what a blessing to my heart. It really is the simple things in life that are the most beautiful.

Be alert, Be present.

Lately, I've found myself with no words, just tears. It's been one of those weeks where you come crashing in your room at night, you have nothing left but exhaustion. You fall to the floor and sob because for those few moments, the world is paused. Nothing is being asked of you, no one is judging. It's just you and God. You can fall to pieces and you can cry until you have nothing left to cry. It's been one of those weeks ... 


And while I'm figuring out which way is up and which is down, I'm left wondering if this life is worth fighting for. I see this beautiful life in sight. One consisting of wholeness, a steady job, and a family to call my own. But is the fight worth it? I'm exhausted. I've been fighting for so long and I'm just wiped out. 


The irony of this? Every single day this week I've been shown a brand new reason why this life is worth fighting for. It's worth fighting for because it's mine. I have a story to write, memories to make. It's worth fighting for because God gave it to me. He specifically wrote my story and knew every single chapter in it. He knew I'd have moments of joy, moments of sorrow, and moments of running myself ragged. It's worth fighting for because there are some who are fighting for it with everything they have and still won't win. I could go on and on, but I won't. The point is that my life is worth fighting for. Why should I waste a perfectly beautiful life because of a little exhaustion. I serve a God who never sleeps nor slumbers. A God who has open arms and is waiting for me to finally wake up and embrace all He has for me.


Isaiah 43:1-5, The Message - "Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you. So don't be afraid: I'm with you.”

state of nothing.

It's been one of those days. The kind where you're stuck in your head and you can't get out. Nothing is wrong but nothing seems to be right, either. You're not happy but you're not sad ... you just are. 

Have you ever focused so hard on something, I mean put your whole heart and being into something because you wanted to avoid something else? I spent my whole day creating a project and mapping out every single detail. And by every single detail, I mean I wrote out specific steps consuming like 15 different post-its. Why? Because I've been running and avoiding. I've gotten so good at running and avoiding, that I didn't even know I was doing it. It didn't even hit me until I was getting ready for bed. I was debating whether or not to read my devotional. (problem #1 - why was this even a question?) After a few seconds, I picked it up and began to read. The quote at the top of the page said it all ... "God's motivation for surfacing the destructive parts of us is so we will face them and cooperate as he uproots and heals them." Whoa. 

I'm going to skip to another thing that I was thinking about today and then come back to tonight's devotional, so bear with me for a minute. I was reading a friends article in a magazine this afternoon. The article was on our summer trip to Asia. For one brief moment, it was like I was back in Asia serving the Lord wholeheartedly. In the 5 months since I've been overseas, what's changed? Absolutely everything. In the past week, I have let "circumstances" be my guide instead of Jesus. (That's problem #2.) Where did my humility go? Where is my patience? And most importantly, where did my faith and dedication go? Where is God's grace in all of this? 

In another thought, when something is asked of me, as it has been several times over the past two weeks, my thoughts should not go to what I'll gain or to my exhaustion level. My answer should be based upon selflessness and grace. I was talking with a dear friend today. She asked how I was and I shared something personal with her. She reminded me that although it feels like I'm going through this alone, we've all been there. That place where you feel like you can't give anymore because you've already given so much ... yet, you're expected to give. And while you're giving, you're not receiving. You're dry and you become bitter and angry.  My response has been selfish lately because I'm exhausted in every aspect - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Why? Because I've been running. She reminded me that as much as I'm not being fed, others could easily say the same thing because I'm not doing my part. I'm not using the gifts and energy that I do have towards the right things. I receive what I put out. 

Back to the devotional ... God's grace has been here the whole time. He's been here with open arms, waiting for me to tire, stop running, and to let Him. Well, tonight I got tired. At the bottom of the devotional was the reference Psalm 40. The very last verse of the chapter says this, "And me? I'm a mess. I'm nothing and have nothing: make something of me. You can do it; you've got what it takes - but God, don't put it off."

And I'm reminded once more of just how faithful God is. As a college graduate, this verse has never been so personal as it is now. I literally have nothing, I am nothing, and I am a solid mess. And it's all because I've been running. The reason I'm sharing this tonight is because I'm done. I'm done running. I'm done being selfish. I'm done pretending. I'm just done. I'm ready to, and I need to, fully embrace this new chapter in my life - one full of healing, selflessness, and passion. My actions need to match up to my words, which need to stem from grace. The next few weeks and months may not be pretty, but in 5 or 10 years when I look back, they will be beautiful. 

change.

Change is a funny thing. It's beautiful, scary, intense, and usually full of fear. Sometimes we thrive in change, while other times we fail. Change is stepping out into the unknown, trusting that this next step is where you were meant to be. 

I have been contemplating change for two months now and it's quite exhausting. I took in all my "lasts", which was absolutely beautiful. I left all my friends, my support, and my church family, which was scary. I moved to a brand new city where I knew a handful of people and I am clearly the minority, which is intense. I knew change was occurring but I did not want to acknowledge it because it meant I was vulnerable and no longer in control. Each step I have taken in the past month has led to change. 

For the past 3.5 years, I have measured my time by semester length and my success by my grades. And now, all of a sudden or what feels like all of a sudden, I have to start measuring my time and success by something else. It's like just when I thought that saying goodbye, moving to a new location, and not going to school were change enough, it hits me. My entire life and way of living are about to be rooted up and changed. 

And then I spoke to a dear friend. She spoke to the chapter in life I was exiting and the one I was about to enter. She challenged me to focus my eyes back on Him, the one that brought me into this world and made a beautiful plan for it. The one who has stood by me through it all and has not left me yet.

And then we made a pact. We are no longer going to just make it through life, or the next chapter, but we are going to live, and I mean truly LIVE life to the fullest. We are going to do things for ourselves and actually take care of ourselves. Because in college, you learn to make it from exam to exam, maybe remembering to eat in between. Or you plan your schedule so full, hoping you won't have to feel the pain of what's really going on. But when you think about it, that's no way to live. So here it is, my vow. I vow to take the next year of life (if not longer), and live. I will take every opportunity given to me to fully experience all life has to offer. I will wake up each morning and thank the faithful God who made me, for another day to live. I will not take life for granted.

With all of that said, I want to use this blog to document my next year of living. I want to share what I am learning and the path that life is taking me. I am setting goals for this next year of life and will use this blog to share the process. 

1) Learn to cook 

2) Learn to love wholeheartedly 

3) Learn to be spontaneous and let go

"growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known into the unknown"