It's been one of those days. The kind where you're stuck in your head and you can't get out. Nothing is wrong but nothing seems to be right, either. You're not happy but you're not sad ... you just are.
Have you ever focused so hard on something, I mean put your whole heart and being into something because you wanted to avoid something else? I spent my whole day creating a project and mapping out every single detail. And by every single detail, I mean I wrote out specific steps consuming like 15 different post-its. Why? Because I've been running and avoiding. I've gotten so good at running and avoiding, that I didn't even know I was doing it. It didn't even hit me until I was getting ready for bed. I was debating whether or not to read my devotional. (problem #1 - why was this even a question?) After a few seconds, I picked it up and began to read. The quote at the top of the page said it all ... "God's motivation for surfacing the destructive parts of us is so we will face them and cooperate as he uproots and heals them." Whoa.
I'm going to skip to another thing that I was thinking about today and then come back to tonight's devotional, so bear with me for a minute. I was reading a friends article in a magazine this afternoon. The article was on our summer trip to Asia. For one brief moment, it was like I was back in Asia serving the Lord wholeheartedly. In the 5 months since I've been overseas, what's changed? Absolutely everything. In the past week, I have let "circumstances" be my guide instead of Jesus. (That's problem #2.) Where did my humility go? Where is my patience? And most importantly, where did my faith and dedication go? Where is God's grace in all of this?
In another thought, when something is asked of me, as it has been several times over the past two weeks, my thoughts should not go to what I'll gain or to my exhaustion level. My answer should be based upon selflessness and grace. I was talking with a dear friend today. She asked how I was and I shared something personal with her. She reminded me that although it feels like I'm going through this alone, we've all been there. That place where you feel like you can't give anymore because you've already given so much ... yet, you're expected to give. And while you're giving, you're not receiving. You're dry and you become bitter and angry. My response has been selfish lately because I'm exhausted in every aspect - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Why? Because I've been running. She reminded me that as much as I'm not being fed, others could easily say the same thing because I'm not doing my part. I'm not using the gifts and energy that I do have towards the right things. I receive what I put out.
Back to the devotional ... God's grace has been here the whole time. He's been here with open arms, waiting for me to tire, stop running, and to let Him. Well, tonight I got tired. At the bottom of the devotional was the reference Psalm 40. The very last verse of the chapter says this, "And me? I'm a mess. I'm nothing and have nothing: make something of me. You can do it; you've got what it takes - but God, don't put it off."
And I'm reminded once more of just how faithful God is. As a college graduate, this verse has never been so personal as it is now. I literally have nothing, I am nothing, and I am a solid mess. And it's all because I've been running. The reason I'm sharing this tonight is because I'm done. I'm done running. I'm done being selfish. I'm done pretending. I'm just done. I'm ready to, and I need to, fully embrace this new chapter in my life - one full of healing, selflessness, and passion. My actions need to match up to my words, which need to stem from grace. The next few weeks and months may not be pretty, but in 5 or 10 years when I look back, they will be beautiful.
No comments:
Post a Comment